Readers, this column was originally published in 2020 but a similar situation was expressed recently by a reader so I am rerunning this column. Enjoy!
Question: A reader recently wrote that she adopted a dog and was surprised to find that it came with a trust fund. The trust puppy was welcomed into her home and only later did she find out about the money. I have a similar issue: No dogs are involved, but I am a trust baby – in a big way. I am not ashamed or self-conscious about my money – my father worked extremely hard and he takes pride in providing well for his family. I am just not sure when I should disclose this to a man that I may be getting serious about. Also, being a wealthy woman, I find that some men feel emasculated by my wealth. Any ideas on when to disclose this fact and how to handle the discussion?
Answer: When my husband and I were dating, early into the relationship he took me to a nice restaurant and told me he wanted to “talk.” Initially, I was concerned – what did this “talk” mean? Thankfully it wasn’t that he was already married or that he had an icky disease, he just felt that our relationship was getting serious and he wanted to reveal the skeletons in his closet so I could run now, if I wanted to. Since we have now been married over 30 years, suffice it to say, nothing too shocking was revealed! I did appreciate the discussion, however. To me this was a sign of respect.
Whether or not we want to admit it, finances in marriage can be a significant issue. Lack of finances may cause stress and many a marriage has fallen apart under financial stress. Your situation is the reverse but, as you are finding, it can still be a challenge to navigate.
Your question contains a key piece to the problems you may be experiencing since your wealth is, most likely, significantly larger than that of the men you are dating. Your father “takes pride in providing well for his family.” In healthy marriages, it is important that both participants feel they are contributing and adding value to the relationship. Historically, and most likely in the family in which your date has been raised, the man was the major financial contributor so it is no surprise that your date may believe that being the bigger bread winner is the way to take good care of a wife.
I recommend that you have the discussion early on, as soon as you feel that the relationship is getting serious and you may want to take it to the next level. Explain the wealth in detail, how much you have access to and how you envision your wealth helping you throughout life. Will it pay for your future children’s education? Do you have a home or homes, and will you want to continue living in those properties? Do you vacation with your family on holidays, and will you want to continue that tradition? Finally, will there be a prenuptial agreement before any marriage vows?
Explore what financial diversity means to both of you. Can he abandon any masculine ideologies of his youth and feel “whole” despite not being the major bread winner in the family? Be prepared to discuss what would happen in case of death or divorce and, finally, his role with your family. Lastly, keep communication on this topic open between you. The relationship between you two and with your wealth will change and evolve over the years.
Finally, remember that marriage is a partnership and each of you bring strengths to the table. You may have more wealth, but you probably don’t care to change the batteries out in the smoke detectors. A rather simple example, but you get the point. You may be pleasantly surprised by the response you get from your hope-to-be lifetime partner.
Liza Horvath has over 30 years of experience in the estate planning and trust fields and is a licensed professional fiduciary. Liza currently serves as president of Monterey Trust Management. This is not intended to be legal or tax advice. If you have a question, call (831) 646-5262 or email liza@montereytrust.com
